Boundaries During The Holidays

It’s always hard to set boundaries with family members, and this year has been particularly difficult with the pandemic.

Different people have different boundaries, and it can be easy to judge other people’s boundaries or feel judged for your own boundaries. People that are being stricter are sometimes thought of “paranoid” and people that are being looser have been called “unsafe”. How do you set boundaries with other people in a way that is kind, and how do you receive boundaries without taking it as a personal attack?

How to Set a Boundary

Clear Is Kind

As Brene Brown says “Clear is Kind”. This means that the clearer you are with your boundaries, the better it is for everyone. When you are clear with yourself about what your boundaries are it will be much easier to communicate them to other people. With clarity there is less opportunity for miscommunication and for people to read between the lines. It can be really frustrating when someone thinks you’ve said something you haven’t. Or thinks you implied a different message than what you’ve said. When there is a lack of information people tend to project their own fears into the void. Being clear can help to avoid that.

Plan Ahead

Take some time before boundary setting to plan what your boundaries are, and how you want to communicate them. Do you want to do it via text, over the phone, through email? You can even create a loose script of what you’d like to say. This can help you feel more in control with your boundary setting. Also, sometimes boundary setting can feel very emotional and when your emotions are high then the logical part of our brain doesn’t work as well. By having a script you can remember exactly what you wanted to say.

Broken Record

This tactic is the boundary setting secret sauce. When you set a boundary and someone tries to argue with you about your boundary, you simply repeat the boundary. Like a broken record. You don’t need to engage with the arguments, and if they turn to insulting and name calling then do not engage. Simply continue to repeat your boundary, and if things turn hostile you can kindly tell them you have to go and remove yourself. This is why it’s important to be clear and plan ahead, because there are times when people don’t like your boundaries and are going to take it personally. By having a script and being clear about what your boundaries are you can be that broken record.

How Not to Take It Personally

When setting a boundary it is important to figure out what your boundaries are, and be consistent with those boundaries. In order to reduce the risk of taking boundaries personally and other people taking your boundaries personally, try to stay consistent with your boundaries. If you are being consistent and know that your boundaries aren’t passive aggressive attacks to certain people, then it’s easier to believe the same of other people. We tend to project ideas and beliefs onto other people that we ourselves are experiencing. So, if you think other people are giving us different rules based on how much they like us, its a good opportunity to ask yourself if thats something you’re doing.

In the same vein, it is important to try not to judge other people for their boundaries. By name calling and devaluing other people’s boundaries as being silly, you will naturally worry that other people won’t respect your boundaries or think your boundaries are silly.

Remember that when someone tells you no and sets a boundary with you, it is not a rejection of you. It does not reflect your value or what you mean to that person. Everyone has different boundaries based on their past experiences and their comfort levels, and good boundary setting is something to be admired. If you find yourself hurt with someone’s boundaries, take a second to reflect on what that hurt is. Is it the rejection? Your disappointment of your own expectations on how things were going to go? All of those feelings are valid and its a great opportunity for you to take care of yourself in your hurt feelings, while reminding yourself that the boundary was not a personal attack. Take care of yourself this holiday season!