Gaslighting: The How and The Why - By Intern Sam
Gaslighting comes in various forms and is very difficult to identify from the inside. Often, we do not realize we are being gaslighted until it is already too late. One of the best ways to identify a gaslighter is to get an outside perspective such as a relative, friend, or therapist/counselor. Here are a few common gaslighting tactics to look out for:
Phrases:
If you were paying attention
If you were listening
We talked about this don’t you remember?
I guess I’ll have to repeat myself since you can’t remember
You need to learn to communicate better
You’re being irrational.
You’re just oversensitive
Stop being so emotional
Can you even hear yourself?
I’m not arguing I’m discussing
Why are you upset? I’m only kidding
These phrases can you make you question your experience of a situation, which in turn can make you question your own sanity. These phrases are degrading and invalidating. They turn the responsibility away from the offender, and onto the victim of the gaslighting.
There are various strategies that have been identified as common gaslighting strategies.
Countering: When a person questions your memories. Uses phrases like “Are you sure?” or “You have such a bad memory.”
Withholding: When someone refuses to engage in a conversation. A gaslighter who uses withholding may not pretend to understand what you are saying. You may hear something like “I do not know what you are talking about” Or “You are just trying to confuse me.”
Trivializing: Belittles or disregards your feelings and accuses you of overreacting or being too sensitive to valid concerns and thoughts.
Denial: When a person pretends to forget events or something that has happened.
Stereotyping: Some people who gaslight may intentionally use stereotypes of a person’s race, gender, ethnicity, sexuality, nationality, or age to manipulate them.
What turns someone into a gaslighter?
When trying to understand gaslighting it is important to remember that nobody is born a gaslighter. Gaslighting is a learned behavior that comes from repeated conditioning and exposure. A person can learn this behavior as a child from viewing their parent’s relationship, or from their peers and believe it to be normal behavior. They might understand that it is an unhealthy tactic they can use to get their way. Many people who gaslight don’t realize they are being manipulative. They may see it as expressing themselves or just being blunt.
This does not excuse the behavior and mean that anyone should continue to subject themselves to gaslighting when it’s not intentional.